Need A Break

This morning was one of the (recently) so many mornings filled with emotional insights and an uprising reaction for the world I just began to realize (apparently), with all its controversies, with its negativeness, its prejudices, its ongoing tyranny and the escalating amount of tears I have to hide inside right after reading any article that surfaces the defective infrastructure our society's been growing onto, and the infamous face being slowly uncovered, to my eyes at least.

Photo by Houssam Mchaiemch / Legal Agenda

What's been happening around me by the minute has given me by far the most insurmountable degree of suffocation to the point that I literally feel asphyxiated, by noon maximum, not being able to enjoy anything, and simply leaving me in shock, in what seems a personal corner, that I used to seek whenever I needed a sanctuary. The only difference was that, by the time I needed that refuge in the past, the whole mess already was infutile, already of a small size compared to the oppression taking place every single day right beneath my eyes. I see young men and women being beaten and abused as if they were trying to take over the powers of the gods underlying in the dungeons of our parliament, whereas all they wanted to express, in the most genuine and original way, was their god-given right to love each other, as humans, as souls once apart, wanting to become one, and delare it to the public. Their protest left them with nothing but scars and bruises, humiliation that knew no extent, apartheid that rose in the hearts of their attackers triggered only by the grin of their leader, who thinks, according to a local blogger, is god on earth, at least on the parliament's territory. Seeing them put to ground, hearing that they were molested and mocked at, left me with an uprising anger and frustration, that couldn't find its way out in other way than a few tears I managed to hide away in my office...

   

I see my friend, among his companions, being bruised and attacked as well, by almost the same people when they were peacefully protesting in front of the same entity, and what was the reason exactly? Simply demanding the most prerogative right that ever existed in a democratic country, a sound and proper electoral law that fits the modern demands and regulates with the least common sense there is. What was their share then? Getting dragged all the way down the street in front of bypassers, being knocked down and of course feeling the impact of the hands of the so-called guards of the parliament right on their bodies.

STREET ART ON A BEIRUT SHOPFRONT | JOSEPH EID/AFP/GettyImages

I see people ringing bells of fight, sounds of drums alerting my surrounding of a surely upcoming war, where, on the other side, my personal efforts and those of all my friends, companions, the close people I met recently, my whole life philosophy and all the goodness that was supposed to be brought onto us people in this wonderful earth, all the smiles and all the laughters, all the tears and all the sighs, all the souls we helped and all the faces we managed to ease off, seem to forcibly collide with the largest ugliest brick wall we call war. Where have gone all the people that once filled the streets and corridors chanting and singing for the sake of love? Where have gone all those around me who kept rejecting hatred and managed to come to a conclusion that we can only live by love? Where have gone all those beautiful young minds that sought love and peace even among the ill? Who are those to decide up from their high balconies and golden patios that they bought from our own money that war is not the only answer?.. I'm left traumatized, having no effort to say anything that might fix it all...

Courtesy of the Ibtissama Facebook page

I see a human, a friend, that came suddenly into my life, for no particular reason, that recently helped me know so much about myself in such a short time. I see that strong enormous creature with the tiny body and the most beautiful smile, having the guts to stand up for what she believes in, knowing where her path is, and simply mesmerizing me with a note she left recently, where she apologizes... An apology is the most sacred virtue in my bible, the most precious word in my dictionary. I apologize a lot, but have never seen an apology so sincere. She spoke my mind, she revived what I thought was mistaken in our world, she energized that vein that was growing larger in me, always pushing me for the right thing to do, but was, at some point, left to silently die, cuz it was simply inconvenient. She came now to empower the right to apologize, to hold thyself responsible for everything, as a first step to self-reconciliation, eventually creating self-sufficient humans, compassionate, and ready to be one with nature itself. I quote:

"Dear outcasts, rejected by society, bullied, discriminated, abused, all because you were simply “different” from the majority[..]
[..]Dear individual who dares to speak up while putting your life in danger, because sadly you grew up around people who might kill you for words you uttered[..]
[..]I am sorry for what the world made you go through, they might never apologize and acknowledge it, they might even never be aware of the damages they have caused, but I want to understand and I want to apologize in their place for what you have been through[..]"

My mind was literally blow away, heart skipped a beat and I was in a total rush of emotions that, at my age, were one heck of a thing to admire after all I had to go through my entire life.

I once heard of a certain community, that took "Apology" as some kind of a religion. More elaborately, a woman whose son was killed by another woman's son, sought no revenge, on the contrary, after the young man had been arrested and put into custody, she went to the mother inviting her for prayer, saying "let's not murder my child twice", and ultimately, she asked her for forgiveness, and not the other way around. Those same people used to apologize, whenever being hurt by someone, for they saw their own mistakes in the actions of others. Isn't that the uttermost virtue of all? In the days of Muhammad the prophet, when someone stole, he would come and apologize, never send him to jail (which is the least we do now), but blamed the officials for their mistake, not giving that man enough food to eat, enough money to live a decent life, leaving him with nothing else but having to steal.

Courtesy of the Free Huggers page

A while back I was confronted with an indescribably alerting situation that needed an certain amount of wisdom and precaution. I already knew it deep inside, that sooner or later, conservatives will attack the Free Hugs activity, but never imagined it'd be so close, so rude and so ugly. All I wanted was to confront one of those who insisted on categorizing us as sexual harassers, molesters, and people of havoc. I hold nothing but pure compassion, for they are ignorants, they took their religion out of books instead of mind and heart. They followed a path drawn by humans just like them, instead of drawing their own path. They marry and feed based on writings and scriptures, regardless of the divinity of those papers, every religion that sets the mind aside, is no religion at all. As much as I'm sure those people hold so many issues against us, I'm equally sure I can captivate their minds and souls, convince them there's nothing wrong in showing love, for love is the essence of being a human...

And the emotions still stack on top of each other, leaving me stranded, not-knowingly incapable of deciding how, where and when to evacuate that enormous amount of unexplainable reactions I'm going through. I officially can't take it anymore, call it being a wimp, call it atonal, whatever suits you best. I need a break...