To begin with, I need to point out that the title is not of my creation. It's been stuck in my memory, and I always wondered when would I ever use it. I guess this is it.
|more photos here|
|Credit goes to the Free Huggers|
I despised my own self when I saw the person I am, trying to make the world a better place, but unknowingly was leaving his own house drenched in the same kind of problems he was trying to fix.
I despised my self when I thought I was becoming a better man, at least better than the one I was a few years ago, to find out that I was letting down those who love me, for the sake of making myself feel at ease and stay in my comfort zone. Ego kicking in again? I guess so.
I despised my self when we decided to gather money for a family that lost their house in the latest Achrafieh bombings, almost everyone put money in the jar and I was told to send that money to the family by hand. One woman, who worked as a secretary with a salary that would reach half of mine - maximum - took out 100$ and put it inside. Another woman took out 50$. One girl added 20,000LBP (13$), a toddler took the one thousand liras bill from his father and put it inside. In the end, I took the money, brought it to Reine who knew that family much more than I did, without adding any cent to the amount.
I despised my self when constantly tell people to take care of their food habit, to watch out what food to buy, what to eat and what not to eat in order to preserve their health. To abstain from refined sugar found in common chocolate bars, from preservatives found basically in all our food, from white rice, white bread, industrial meat, etc.. To find myself at the end of the day, passing by the minimarket accross my office, filling a bag with three to five sorts of chocolate bars and candy, simply because I was craving the taste. I can understand that urge, but in the end, I despise my self for what it did.
Lastly, I despise my soul for all the coming split seconds in the future where I'd go rogue on myself, but in the end just like I can understand the "why" and "because" in everyone else, I can't but forgive myself, and try to fix what needs to be fixed.
I'm sorry, I will become a better person..