To begin with, I need to point out that the title is not of my creation. It's been stuck in my memory, and I always wondered when would I ever use it. I guess this is it.
In order to keep myself aware of how much bad the human being can do, or to simply highlight to my own self that I can be of nuisance, I need to constantly check myself, to gratify it when it does good, and punish it when it messes up with the morals I go by. What triggered this post now was something I read over Facebook. A page that broadcasts news about the Syrian war has just announced a breaking news, the death of a Jaylani Cheikh in Syria upon invading his house by the "Forth Squad". For a split second, a feeling of gloating just found its way through my veins. To all those who don't know what Jaylani is, a jaylani way (belief) is one that has taken its own road far away from the basics of Islam. Jaylanis believe fondly in their "Cheikh" or master, a person who's been blessed of being a special human, having the spirit of god inside him, being what connects his disciples to god, and is usually a relative of the prophet [
source in arabic]. A few years back and just like any person that lives among a socially and religiously constrained communities, bound to strict Islamic teachings that are, most of the time in my case, far from being Islamic, neither reflect the true message the Prophet Muhammad was sent to spread among humans: Compassion. Therefore, beliefs such as Jaylani, Qadiri and others, were prohibited, and of course were looked at with disbelief and its believers as being infidels. I'm telling you this to help you reach a better understanding of the shard of hatred that was still stuck in the soul I've been trying to clean for last few years now. I noticed, even though it lasted only for a split second, that I am still engulfed with traces of the old mentality I was taught to have.
I despised my soul when I thought I took away every sort of obstacle that would prevent me from looking through any human in front of me for the human he is, love him for the good he has, and try to point out the not-so-good in them. It was during a flashmob, a Free Hugs flashmob, where we would of course offer our hugs, white-heartedly, to anyone and everyone out there. We used to hug the cleaning staff, we hugged workers, laborers, the balloon guy, the old man selling chewing gum, the dirty kids selling roses and even the beggars. I personally had my share of hugging this slice of our dysfunctional community, and by far thought I had fully taken out my ego. But no, It seems I was wrong. The second time I remember despising my soul was when we passed by someone that, when I saw him, I told myself I would never hug this person, because apparently I had some ego still left in me.
I despised my own self when I saw the person I am, trying to make the world a better place, but unknowingly was leaving his own house drenched in the same kind of problems he was trying to fix.
I despised my self when I thought I was becoming a better man, at least better than the one I was a few years ago, to find out that I was letting down those who love me, for the sake of making myself feel at ease and stay in my comfort zone. Ego kicking in again? I guess so.
I despised my self when we decided to gather money for a family that lost their house in the latest Achrafieh bombings, almost everyone put money in the jar and I was told to send that money to the family by hand. One woman, who worked as a secretary with a salary that would reach half of mine - maximum - took out 100$ and put it inside. Another woman took out 50$. One girl added 20,000LBP (13$), a toddler took the one thousand liras bill from his father and put it inside. In the end, I took the money, brought it to Reine who knew that family much more than I did, without adding any cent to the amount.
I despised my self when constantly tell people to take care of their food habit, to watch out what food to buy, what to eat and what not to eat in order to preserve their health. To abstain from refined sugar found in common chocolate bars, from preservatives found basically in all our food, from white rice, white bread, industrial meat, etc.. To find myself at the end of the day, passing by the minimarket accross my office, filling a bag with three to five sorts of chocolate bars and candy, simply because I was craving the taste. I can understand that urge, but in the end, I despise my self for what it did.
Lastly, I despise my soul for all the coming split seconds in the future where I'd go rogue on myself, but in the end just like I can understand the "why" and "because" in everyone else, I can't but forgive myself, and try to fix what needs to be fixed.
I'm sorry, I will become a better person..
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