Dec 6, 2012

Dewy Conversations


Here's what went through my mind during my morning nap in the minibus:

Photo by Rayyan Jamous

"I just realized that I have no passion, I don't remember the last time I risked my life for something; I am passive generally and don't have any sort of personal extremism. I cannot define things easily. I have trouble with maintaining relationships. I suck at time management and prioritizing. I am selfish though I have lots to give, which gives me constant headache.


I realized I have a great amount of grudge, being the only answer to most of the emotional problems I faced, thus making it a trend to see my frown in the mirror. I came to know I am literally empty, and I know it. I wait no compassion from anyone because I've had enough with compliments: compliments to me are lies with make-up.

What if I've been living a lie all these years? First at class for several years in a row? I never asked to be classified as the front row geek at school, regardless of its supposed benefits for a graduate in the future. The point remains: if I were to choose? I would never pick that phase for me. Studying a tough major at college? Those 6 years were a lie. I succeeded only after I memorized the answers in some topics, after I cheated in some other topics, and sometimes after a last-minute studying and exercises, for the long-term studying and daily monitoring of my lessons progress - the system I was acquainted to at school - made me flunk at college and cost me one year, along with 17 other friends. Again, was that the kind of education I would've picked? Noes.

I had wondered, so many times, about the crisis students in the west went through upon graduating from high school, where they felt lost on the crossroads of their lives, having no clue what major to sign up to. I used to think of myself as a lucky bastard because of the educational system I was enjoying. I didn't even have to think of where to register, I had the answer written over my front. Little did I know that this same system, that seemingly provided me with the stability and comfort of previously defining my future, was actually delaying my own crossroads crisis, which is, as I'm seeing now, is far more painful than if it ever happened in the past.

Photo by Rayyan Jamous
The moment I write this post I am constantly reminded (yes, I have voices in my head) that there is two answers obviously. It's either the whole system is so stereotypical and fits only an astoundingly minor portion of learners, and that I was a victim of that system being put in places I wasn't fit at. But on the other hand, it might be that I'm mentally challenged. Either ways, I'm screwed.

Wondering why these thoughts didn't arise before today? It might be the amount of discomfort I feel in my job, where all I do is NOT being productive, something I hate. It might also be the amount of times I messed up with the people I love, I mean "the people who love me". I am now detached from everyone that cares about me, because of all the decisions I took and all the reactions I showed, based on the insecurities I highlighted at the beginning. And personally? I am dead worried of the day where I certainly will regret losing so much only because of the mentality I acquired...


Sometimes I ask my idiot self, why is it that hard to fake a smile and live the lie everyone's living? Would surely make everything easier for me and those around me..."

To be continued..

2 comments:

  1. "I am now detached from everyone that cares about me"

    Bro please don't let this idea missed up with u! I had the same feeling (5 weeks ago), I was depressed, Voices in my head started like this way "I'm now detached..." and in no time it was turned into "NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME"...

    What I did?... NOTHING! Just went to dead person, than I GOT a phone call from HANADI, she was asking about me, "tahtouh how are you?"
    "I'm alive.. I'm happy" i answered, I was happy bro a looooot !
    then I called some friends, I called almost everyone I care about, and everyone who cares about me.

    Get ur life back, and dont let these killing voices control u!

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  2. I really wish i knew u earlier...
    i really wish i knew u in different situation....i woulve tried to know u better!
    now that i can't:) lemme tell u u hold a very special place within me... even though we barely know each other...
    U're a great soul! hold on to that!

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