I am growing up, I used to fiercely fight the urge to grow up but somehow I'm being constantly beaten by my own ego, my own character. I am growing up no matter how hard I try. I am getting more tired and exhausted than I was 3 years ago. I began to take the most obvious things to wonder about, for granted. I am starting to let go of the small things I used to do in order to laugh. I am losing so many friends in the process, and most importantly both the woman who brought me to the world and the woman in whose lap I was supposed to rest for the rest of my life. I lost them. No matter how much I tried to fix the problems i apparently helped in creating, I still find myself unable to recuperate what I could from my childhood and innocence, my calm thinking and my passive take on life, a striking feeling of wanting to buy something, a feeling of arrogance kicks-in here or there.
I am becoming an egoist, a stupid being full of arrogance. To prove that, count the "I"s in this post.
What is really making me have the hardest time of all is that I've already been here and I've been teaching myself for a long time on how to avoid these situations.
What led me to this arrogance? To this ugly side of independence? Well that is easy, being misunderstood for oh-so-many times, being manipulated and taken advantage of, being oppressed for my own thoughts and my own freedom of thinking, being offered a path where there's no getting back to being poor, and where getting rich is easy. I detest money, at least that is what I remember.
I am now eating a not-so-whole-heartedly-made piece of meatloaf (lahme b aajin) that I bought a few minutes ago, while my family is gathering around their wonderfully delicious dinner course of grilled fish and rice, 5 minutes away from where I am waiting my bus to Beirut at the moment.
This sucks..I want to have dinner with my family....and I really like being poor.....