May 6, 2012

Choking on a Tear

I'll always look after you, my old friend.
I just came from the Hairdresser's salon, one the few places I can see my face on a mirror. It was glorious, oh that face! I always wondered if a man with such a look exists. He's so wise, so magnificent in everything he says. He knows no fear, he has the look that makes your bones tremble and your head bow in respect. He is old with all the wrinkles-to-come shining up in majesty adding this angelic Ora around his skin. Eyes of an infant still looking for that lap to rest his head on... My god the look! I can't but wish I could print that image stuck inside my head. Still wondering when that A-ha sound pushes in? Yes, it came in a few milliseconds actually. "But. AHA!..Isn't that person actually myself?" I wondered. As fairy as it might sound, this conversation took place in a matter of a few seconds indeed. What was missing? All I could feel a moment later was the urge to CRY. But hey, you're a man, get yourself together! such a shame to cry, is it? I wanted to cry, just as my past life swooshed in front of my eyes. The huge amount of insecurity,
the lack of confidence, the big gap between body and soul, brain and mind, thought and tongue. All the lost opportunities and chances to make a difference, all the missed goals in my life, all the laughs I heard or imagined, all the noise in the background only speaking of how this person is soulless... Am I going to bury myself in work and make of myself the most dedicated engineer that has eventually no life at all? Am I going to throw myself in the pleasures of life not knowing that this is actually another form of burial? Am I going to seek help?... They already tried to help me, and especially her, she deserves nothing but the ultimate best, for her to shine, for her to shine upon humanity in the most influential forms of a shadow ever spawned on soil and humans. Have nothing more to say actually, nothing more.

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